Bad News

For the past couple of months I've been getting very severe headaches. At first I thought it might be down to lack of sleep, but even after a rare full night of sleep they didn't go. I knew Pan was worrying about me, so I told him that they had gone. Shortly after we moved over here, I diagnosed myself, and I'll admit I was frightened by the result I got, so I got Harou to give me her opinion. And she confirmed it. This morning I took Pan and I finally told him about it, and we've agreed that it's only fair that you guys know about it as well.

I have a brain tumour.

According to the results we got back from all the tests we did, if the tumour continues as it is I'll be dead in August. The surgery -awake craniotomy - is booked in for the 3rd of July, I think that's a Wednesday, so there's no chance of my dying in August. If I don't die in the surgery I'll probably make it. If I survive the surgery, I have no idea how long I'll be in hospital for. I guess it depends on how things go. I won't be able to get online while I'm in hospital, but if I get back I might have some depressing stuff I wrote while in there to give you. Actually I probably will if I make it, I hate hospitals (ironic considering I'm a doctor). As you can probably imagine, Pan has begged and begged to be allowed to stay in hospital with me if we make it to the aftercare, but it's really not possible, so he has volunteered to keep things updated over here. If you're remotely interested, check his journal on the night of the op, he'll probably post something then so long as the news isn't so traumatic that he has to wait for the next day.

Really I'm just posting this because as much as I trust my sister-in-law and those who will be working with her on this, there is a high chance that I will die during the surgery. And I'll admit it, I am scared of dying. I'm scared of what will happen to Pan and the kids, and who will look after them when I'm gone. I don't want to miss seeing my children growing up and being there with them for all the happy memories.

So if this is my last time talking to any of you, I just wanted to say thanks for all the happy memories I've had while I was here, for all the support through all the problems I've thrown at you. Thankyou.

And as the case may well turn out to be,

Goodbye.